


here comes a feeling (you thought you'd forgotten)

by loonyBibliophile



Category: The Librarians (TV 2014)
Genre: Canon Divergent, F/M, Fluff, Started pre- And The Eternal Question, Synesthesia, with light angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-07
Updated: 2017-05-07
Packaged: 2018-10-29 00:04:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10842276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loonyBibliophile/pseuds/loonyBibliophile
Summary: Cassandra was as used to the ever swirling chaos of her senses as anyone could ever be. She was accustomed to the shifting nature of her heightened perception, because as her life changed, her feelings and associations did too, and so sometimes she smelled toothpaste when she used to smell earl grey tea, or saw dusty bookshelves when she used to see blackboards. Every once in awhile, though, a sensation manages to knock her for a loop. She’s reading, not for work but for fun, when it happens. She only really notices because it had been years since that particular word held any feeling but a dull ache.Home.((Or "one time a thousand years ago someone in the casekiel tag mentioned synesthesia fic and this happened but it took me six months to write"))





	here comes a feeling (you thought you'd forgotten)

Cassandra was as used to the ever swirling chaos of her senses as anyone could ever be. She was accustomed to the shifting nature of her heightened perception, because as her life changed, her feelings and associations did too, and so sometimes she smelled toothpaste when she used to smell earl grey tea, or saw dusty bookshelves when she used to see blackboards. Every once in awhile, though, a sensation manages to knock her for a loop. She’s reading, not for work but for fun, when it happens. She only really notices because it had been years since that particular word held any feeling but a dull ache. 

 

_ Home _ . 

 

She reads the four letters and suddenly her everything is a wash in smells and sounds. Aftershave with a hint of cinnamon. 

 

_ Home _ .

 

Sharp clean shampoo and the slight fruity smell of high end hair pomade. 

 

_ Home _ .

 

A low, rough laugh, with a certain lilt that only comes with a touch of an accent. 

 

Her heart is racing and her head is buzzing and for a moment she thinks she’ll faint or collapse but then she realizes it’s not the tumor, it’s just her. She knew, of course, what it felt like, in theory. The rush of heat to her cheeks, the cheerful buzzing in her head, racing heart beat, full body tingles. But she’d given up on the concept so long ago, she never bothered to think about feeling it. Now, all of a sudden, it’s all consuming and she doesn’t know how she didn’t see it before. 

 

Home. Not her family, certainly not, and not even the library, or the team. Ezekiel. Just Ezekiel. 

 

_ Ezekiel.  _ The name fills her chest and stomach with warmth, like hot cocoa on a cold winter’s night. The smell of baking cookies and the crackling sound of a fireplace. Soft blankets and quiet breathing. 

 

So she sits back in her armchair, puts her book down, and thinks about it. Really, she should have noticed sooner. After all, she noticed everything. That was her job. But she somehow didn’t notice something so… monumental. And the more she thought about it, the more she saw why she hadn’t noticed. Because some part of her had known, and that same part had known that, frankly, it wouldn’t have been fair to Ezekiel. The tumor in her skull had essentially forced her to give up on romance as a teenager. There was a laundry list of reasons dating was a terrible idea for her. The death sentence looming over her head. How difficult her episodes could be for a partner to deal with. The way people looked at her when she told them, the way she could tell they’d never see her as anything but a sick girl who needed to be taken care of. 

 

_ Now now, that’s not true.  _ The voice whispers from some oft ignored corner of her mind, and Cassandra sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose. The voice is right, of course. Ezekiel has never treated her like the sick girl. Even his teasing, while it rubbed her the wrong way at first, was evidence of his fearlessness when it came to treating her like just another member of the team. But that didn’t solve the problem of him deserving better. More. He deserved a lifetime. She could give him a few years, tops. 

 

“Well hello, Miss Cillian.” Jenkins’ voice filled the room, startling Cassandra. She’d been in a trance of sorts, staring at the four letters on the page of a book she was supposedly studying. 

 

“Oh! Hello, Jenkins.” 

 

“Studying on your day off, I see?”

 

“Yes… trying to, anyway. This chapter is about. Um.” she blinked, clearing her mind, and glanced down at the page again, scrunching her face at the barrage of sensations upon reading the word again. “Homing spells. I think.”

 

“What’s the matter, Cassandra?” Jenkins said with a sigh, leaning on the counter across from her. He didn’t like to make a habit of involving himself in the affairs of the Librarians but he had a certain soft spot for Cassandra. She reminded him, a bit, of himself, back when he was young and noble and full of hope and vigor. 

 

“Nothing. Nothing, just a headache. A lot of words, and I think powerful words can have more of an impact on my senses, since my brain sometimes sees patterns and feels things before I become aware of them.” 

 

“I suspect that is almost, but not quite, the truth. I have been alive a very long time, Cassandra. I recognize life’s great feelings, and lies, when I see them.” Jenkins tapped his temple with one finger, then watched as Cassandra shrugged her fingers before slumping over.

 

“What does it matter? Even if I were in love with someone, and they were to return my feelings, it’s not as if I could be with them. Not fairly, anyway.”

 

“Everyone knows their partner will pass on eventually.” 

 

“True, but not everyone knows it will be sooner, rather than later. And not everyone knows their partner has a date set to end it before things get out of her control.” Cassandra smiled, a sad tight expression, and for a moment Jenkins was speechless. After all, this was the first he’d heard of Cassandra’s pact with herself. 

 

“Have you considered maybe this person would be interested in being with you regardless?”

 

“It’s still not fair. It’s not fair to him, I can’t do that to him. How am I supposed to love someone, be with someone, let someone love and care for me, when I know that any day I could be gone? That one day, sooner than most people, I  _ will _ be gone. The brain grape will or the job will or I will, but that’s all there is to it.”

 

“Miss Cillian, have you ever read an older novel, or really even any novel, with a romance in it, and found yourself frustrated with the male hero’s attempts to be noble and leave the heroine behind for her own good?”

 

“I guess?”

 

“Have you ever sat and thought about how selfish that is? For them to never give their lover a choice, to simply decide leaving is what is best for them, even if the heroine would rather take the risk?” 

 

“Yes?”

 

“That, Miss Cillian, is exactly what you are doing to our Mr. Jones. Think on that, if you will.”

 

“Wait. I never even said his name!” Cassandra cried out, as Jenkins was already leaving the alcove she was hidden away in. 

 

“As I said, I recognize life’s great emotions when I see them. Love is the greatest human emotion of all, Cassandra, and to eyes as astute as mine, your feelings for our resident thief have been quite clear for some time.” Jenkins winked, leaving Cassandra vaguely confused at this side of him, and slipped away. 

 

It didn’t matter, she told herself harshly as she closed the book, giving up on her studies. She had no evidence that Ezekiel harbored any feelings for her whatsoever, other than the natural trust and rapport between teammates. Sure, they were closer to each other than the others, but there were very logical reasons for that. Stone seemed to have no interest in being their friends outside of work. Eve and Flynn were there for each other first and foremost, which made perfect sense. Jenkins, for the most part, kept everyone an arm’s length away. It made a certain sense, Cassandra supposed. For someone that old, someone who had seen that much. It has to get tiresome. While Cassandra would always yearn for more years than she was going to be given, immortality had never appealed to her. 

 

However, Jenkins did have a point. But she couldn’t just ask Ezekiel out. There was too much potential for rejection and humiliation and losing the one person on the team she felt really and truly trusted her. So she would be careful about it. Put out feelers, be subtle. If he seemed interested, she’d take a calculated risk.  

 

She’d start with her wardrobe, she decided the next morning. Filtering through her closet, she selected a sundress. Nothing too revealing of course, that wasn’t her style, but it exposed her slender shoulders and collarbones, and the skirt flounced and twirled when she moved, and the shade of yellow looked lovely on her. And something told her that Ezekiel, with his curious nature and thief’s hands, would be intrigued by the row of oversized buttons holding the dress together. She left her long hair loose in waves around her shoulders, and paired the dress with a simple pair of brown leather shoes. Sure, it wasn’t especially vampy, but neither was Cassandra. It was best to play to her strengths. 

 

“Good morning.” she sing-songed, making sure she was bouncing enough as she walked to swish the skirt around her knees as she made her way to the main room of the annex. She walked over the the central table and hopped onto the edge as gracefully as possible, settling herself next to Ezekiel. 

 

“Hey Caz.” he smiled at her warmly  and Cassandra fought the urge to blush. Being near him after finally realizing how she felt was unexpectedly heady. Her constantly in overdrive senses hardly helped of course, making her overly aware of the smell of his cologne and the smell of soap clinging to his hands and the warmth radiating from him. 

 

“No new cases yet?” she cocked her head and swung her feet slightly, ignoring a raised eyebrow from Jenkins across the room. 

 

“Nope, doesn’t look like it. The universe has apparently elected to give us an actual weekend for once. I’m sure the world will end come Monday to make up for it though.”

 

“Oh, don’t say that ‘Zekiel!” she slapped his shoulder playfully. “I think we’ve all had enough tempting fate for a lifetime.”

 

“Alright, alright.” Ezekiel rolled his eyes, then smirked at her. 

 

“We should take advantage of it! Do something fun.” she beamed at him expectantly. 

 

“Yeah? Like what?”

 

“Oh, I dunno… picnic?”

 

“What is it with you and picnic lunches? But yeah sure, why not. Not like I’ve got anything better to do.” 

 

His words might have smarted a little if he hadn’t been smiling at her crookedly. Cassandra grinned and pumped a fist. 

 

“You find the blanket, I’ll get the food. Meet me at the backdoor.” she attempted to jump gracefully off the table, but stumbled upon landing. Luckily, Ezekiel caught her, what with his thief’s reflexes. What a happy accident, she thought to herself, savoring the moment of the warmth and grip of his hands on her forearms and the smell of his chest as he helped her back up. Her stomach swooped and her senses all buzzed, just this side of pleasantly overwhelming. For a moment, she yearned for the guts to grab the collar of his shirt and just kiss him, right then. But she had never been that kind of girl, the kind who had the strength for risks like that. 

 

“Thanks.” she said instead, a little giddy and breathless, squeezing his wrist before flouncing away. 

 

“Jenkins.” Ezekiel said as she left the room, watching her, keeping his voice carefully flat. 

 

“Yes, Mr. Jones?” Jenkins arched an eyebrow, looking up from the journal he was leafing through.

 

“Did Cassandra just ask me on a date?”

 

“It would not be my place to say. What do you want the answer to that question to be?”

 

Ezekiel didn’t answer, instead smiling off into the space where Cassandra had previously been vacantly, before abruptly heading up the stairs. 

 

“Hm. Colonel Baird owes me twenty dollars.” Jenkins mumbled to himself, occupying himself with his book once more. 

 

In the annex’s kitchen, Cassandra fretted to herself over a wicker basket she’d dug up from somewhere. What did one bring on a picnic that wasn’t a date per say, but a date litmus test? Were strawberries too romantic? Apples were awkward to eat in front of people, she couldn’t eat grapes, bananas were an obvious no no. Romantic or not, strawberries it was. She stashed the basket she’d picked up at the farmer’s market recently in with the other picnic food. Bread, good lunch meat, a wedge of cheese, some pasta salad, and a little tin of cookies. 

 

“Oh drinks. Duh, Cassandra.” she muttered, walking back to the fridge and locating a bottle of lemon Italian soda. Thank goodness for Flynn’s eccentric grocery choices. After wrapping a couple of glasses in dish towels, she nodded, content with her choices, and headed to the backdoor.”

 

“I see you took my advice. Now, where are the two of you off to for this ‘date’” Jenkins asked, flipping the globe open to calibrate the door. 

 

“It’s not! It’s um. A litmus test. It’s a litmus test.” she blushed, fidgeting with her hair using her free hand. 

 

“You’re very cautious, Miss Cillian. It’s interesting. But might I gently suggest something, with all my many, many years of wisdom behind me?”

 

“Of course!” she nodded eagerly. Cassandra valued Jenkins’ advice and input greatly. He understood things in a way she couldn’t really articulate. 

 

“When you love someone, no matter how long one of both of you may or may not live, it never feels like enough. It is best to make the very most of it.” Jenkins smiled softly, and laid a hand on Cassandra’s shoulder. She swallowed heavily, and nodded. 

 

“I know…. I do, really. It’s just frightening. He’s…. oh, you know.” she shrugged. “It’s not that I don’t like the others, I love them, I really do but… he treats me like a person. He trusts me. Even when no one else did, he still trusted me. I don’t want to… to mess that up with my silly feelings.” she looked up at Jenkins, her eyes both conflicted and hopeful. 

 

“I assure you, Miss Cillian, your friendship with Mr. Jones is in no danger. Now, might I suggest somewhere in the Mediterranean for your picnic?”

 

“Thank you, Jenkins.”

 

“Of course. I’ve been around a long time, Cassandra, it’s only fitting I give travel advice now and then.” he smiled, winking at the young woman. Cassandra beamed. 

 

“Okay, I’ve got a blanket, where are we off to?” Ezekiel hurdled down the stairs, sliding down the last five or so feet of the banister and landing directly in front of Cassandra with a smirk and a wink. Definitely a positive indicator, she thought to herself. 

 

“Jenkins has elected to surprise us.” she said with a smile, which only broadened with Ezekiel nodded, and then crooked his elbow out to her. She threaded her own arm through it and walked towards the door. The exited the library and walked out of a shed at the top of a hill somewhere in… she paused and thought looking around, making calculations. 

 

“Greece! Specifically a hilltop in Santorini, I believe.”

 

“I’ll take your word for it, you’ve yet to be wrong.” he shook out the blanket. “Now then, I was told there would be food.” 

 

“Boys and their stomachs.” Cassandra said with an eyeroll, setting the basket down. “I knew you only hung out with me for my excellently packed picnic lunches.” 

 

“Who doesn’t love a girl who brings the supplies for an improvised welding torch to the German forest?”

 

Cassandra is quiet for a moment, intentionally busying herself with the food as her brain processed the notes and colors of the word “love” in Ezekiel’s voice. She wondered if him saying “home” would sound and feel even better. 

 

“Oh, you know. Always be prepared, or whatever.” she chuckled, and pulled off a chunk of bread.

 

“I think boy scouts was probably more Stone’s speed than yours. You were doing all your science fairs and stuff. Mathsy things. Genius things.”

 

“Oh, that is their motto, isn’t it? Or a paraphrase, anyway. It’s just kind of second nature with my… condition. I never know what’s going to happen or when I might end up stuck somewhere for awhile.” 

 

“Oh… yeah, sorry. Guess that makes sense.” Ezekiel frowned slightly, pulling off a slice of prosciutto. 

 

“Don’t be.” Cassandra shook her head emphatically. “Things are bound to bring it up. It’s a part of me. Not a great part, but a part nonetheless.” she shrugged, popping a strawberry into her mouth.

 

“How old were you?” he asked, genuinely curious.

 

“When they found it? About sixteen.” 

 

“Must have made dating in high school difficult.” Ezekiel joked, a strained attempt to lighten the mood. Cassandra smiled.

 

“Yeah. That and being two years younger than everyone.”

 

“I should have known you’d have skipped years.” Ezekiel rolled his eyes and grinned. 

 

“My parents insisted. I didn’t really want to, even though my actual level’s work was way too easy.”

 

“Yeah well, from what I’ve heard you say your parents sound like right arseholes.” he gestured with the knife he held before using it to slice off a portion of the wedge of cheese.

 

“They weren’t the best. But they didn’t exactly sign up for this either.” she tapped her temple, shrugging again.

 

“Doesn’t matter. Shoulda seen what they had, brain grape or no.” 

 

“.. Thank you, ‘Zekiel.” she smiled softly at him, biting into another strawberry. He shrugged, brushing it off. 

 

Twilight surrounded the island as they munched their way through lunch. Or whatever meal hopping time zones made it. Linear time got a little funny when you could go to any country in the blink of an eye. Cassandra peered around, relishing the ocean air and the lights on the rippling water and the white sandstone buildings dotting the islands hills. 

 

“It’s so beautiful here… and we can see so many stars…” she tilted her head back to stare up at the sky, which was swirling and glittering with tiny distant lights. She shivered slightly in the breeze coming up the hills off the water, and briefly regretted her sundress.  Or at least not packing a cardigan of some sort. 

 

“Here.” Something soft brushed her shoulder, and she glanced over at Ezekiel. 

 

“Hm?” she looked down at her shoulder, and saw his hand wrapped around the shoulder of his cardigan. He’d pulled it off, leaving himself in just the dark covered henley he was wearing. 

 

“You looked cold.” he pressed it against her once more, and she took it from him, pulling the sleeves over her arms. It was still warm from him having worn it, and it had the same aftershave and cinnamon smell that the rest of him did, that the word home did, thanks to him. Except now the smell was accompanied by lingering body heat and soft, well worn cashmere. Again, it was dangerously close to pleasantly overwhelming, and Cassandra wondered how she would ever deal with kissing him, if it ever happened. 

 

“Hey, Caz?” Ezekiel asked, after a few minutes of silence. 

 

“Yes?” she pulled her eyes away from the sky reflecting into the ocean to glance back at him. 

 

“I heard you tell Jenkins this was a ‘litmus test.’ Care to explain?” 

 

For a moment, Cassandra entertained the idea of playing dumb and just explaining what an actual litmus test was. But they both knew that wasn’t what Ezekiel meant, and it would just have drawn things out further. 

 

“You know I have synesthesia right? And that my brain is totally crosswired, it’s not just math and makes me see or hear or smell things. Sounds and words do too.”

 

“Yeah, I remember.”

 

“Well, my senses are mixed up, but they’re still senses, and sometimes senses change. And the other day I was reading something, some old text about homing spells and magical beacons. And I used to always just feel this ache when I read the word home. Just this emptiness, and a whistle, like wind in a tunnel. But suddenly it was different. I… I smelled you. Your aftershave, and this weird cinnamon smell you either have or that I associate with you? It’s hard for me to tell which. And I heard you laugh. And Jenkins saw me, and he figured it out, and he talked to me for awhile and…. I guess I just realized he was right.”

 

“What did he tell you?” Ezekiel’s voice was slow and gentle, and carefully he reached out and put a hand on her shoulder. 

 

“That hiding my feelings from you was selfish and wrong, even if it was because I didn’t want to hurt you. That I couldn’t make that choice, I had to tell you and let you make it. But I couldn’t just tell you, you mean too much to me, you’re the only person on the team who… who still trusts me. Who always trusted me. You treat me like a person, not like I’m sick or frail or only good for how I think. So I wanted to… do a litmus test. See if maybe there was a chance before I ruined everything by telling you.” Cassandra buried her head in her hands, only to be hit full force by the smell of the cardigan’s sleeves. She sighed, soft and quiet. 

 

“Tell me what, Caz?”

 

“That I’m in love with you. That I’ve probably been in love with you since the minotaur. Or maybe even since you saw me in that cell and just grinned at me, like you were actually still happy to see me. And that you deserve better. You deserve to be loved by someone who isn’t a ticking time bomb.” Her shoulders shook slightly, and she held back tears. 

 

“Hey.” Ezekiel raised his voice slightly, tugging on Cassandra’s shoulder. “Come here.” 

 

He held one arm out, and assuming he was offering her a comforting hug, she crawled over and leaned into his chest. But instead of hugging her, he tucked his index finger beneath her chin, tilting her head up, and kissed her. Everything swirled out of existence for Cassandra except for the warm press of his lips and the point of heat from his finger on her jaw and his hand at her waist and the smell of soap and aftershave and cinnamon so, so close to her as he moved his hand to cradle her face. While before she’d been worried her brain would go into overdrive if he kissed her, instead everything went silent and there was nothing there but him and warmth and home. 

 

“Oh.” she said, her voice a whisper, when he finally pulled away.

 

“We’re all ticking time bombs, Cassandra. Look at what we do for a living.”

 

“I know but… you heard me in the shapeshifter’s cave. I have a date set. Unless we find a way to fix me, I don’t live past then. The rest of you could die at any point, but there’s a chance you won’t. I don’t have that chance.” 

 

“Then we find a way to keep your brain grape from self destructing, and in the meantime, we enjoy ourselves. I’ve already got feelings for you, Cassandra. Ignoring them wouldn’t make losing you any easier.” 

 

“You do?” She tilted her head up to look him in the eyes.

 

“I’ve liked you since the moment I saw you. Running around, babbling about numbers. You were so excited. I liked it. I liked you.”

 

“But you forgave me so fast for what I did. You forgave me before anyone.”

 

“I told you in the labyrinth, Caz. I’d have done the same thing, only you cleaned up your mess. How could I have been mad at you?”

 

“You are a miracle, Ezekiel Jones.” Cassandra said warmly, reaching a hand up to cup his jaw. “And I love you.”

 

“I love you too, miss mathemagics.” he winked at her and leaned down to kiss her again, and she giggled, curling his fingers into his hair. Just like last time, every sensation that wasn’t Ezekiel faded away, every thought that wasn’t directly related to him fizzled out, and her mind felt so quiet and so warm and so safe. “So tell me.” Ezekiel said as he pulled her into his lap, telltale smirk creeping back into his voice. “Any other words that make you think of me?” He craned his head over her shoulder so she could see him wink. She slapped his shoulder. 

 

“Oh hush. Now come on, let’s go back before it gets chilly enough you get cold too.”

 

“You could just give me my sweater back.” he picked up the basket, teasing.

 

“Oh, no, you’re never getting this back. This is mine now. I live here.” she giggled, wrapping the sweater tighter around herself as she grabbed the blanket, bundling it under one arm. 

 

“Well then,” Ezekiel said with a laugh, pulling her into his side. “I guess you’ll just have to keep me warm instead.” 

 

“I think that can be arranged.” she blushed, and they moved back through the shed door to the main room of the annex. “Do you want some tea or something?” she asked, looking up at him. 

 

“Tea sounds great.”

 

“Okay. Let’s head to the kitchen then. We can put this away when we go upstairs.” she said, keeping her voice as casual as possible as she raised the blanket slightly. Ezekiel grinned, raising an eyebrow. 

 

“Perfect.”

 

“Okay. I’ll meet you in the kitchen in just a second.” she stood up on her toes and pressed a kiss to his cheek, leaning in and lingering on his neck for a moment to soak in his scent. 

 

While Ezekiel headed to the kitchen, Cassandra snuck over to where Jenkins was still immersed in his reading and tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around and looked at her quizzically. 

 

“Can I help you?”

 

“You already did.” she said quietly, and then wrapped him in a quick hug. Surprisingly enough, Jenkins softened in response, returning the hug and even rubbing her back for a moment. 

 

“Any time, Miss Cillian. Now go, continue your evening of freedom. Just don’t make too much noise.” he winked again, and Cassandra blushed scarlet before scampering off to the kitchen with the blanket. 

 

“Hey. Earl grey, right?” Ezekiel shook the tin of loose leaf at her and she nodded, leaving the blanket on a chair before walking over to stand behind him at the stove, wrapping her arms around his waist and slipping them under his shirt to rest against his warm skin. “Caz, what the hell, your hands are freezing.” 

  
But he didn’t push her away. So she buried her nose between his shoulder blades and waited for the whistle of the kettle. 

**Author's Note:**

> I can't believe I finally finished this. Also, I can't believe there aren't enough Jenkins and Cass fics for it to be a suggested tag


End file.
